So I don't know why I've been thinking about this and why it's even important??? But I just wanted to write a little something about the things I've learned from the people that have been in my life in one way or another. I'm gonna start out with the men. I'm not talking about my Dad, my brother, my cousin...I'm talking about men (or boys) that I've been with in the past and the man I love & will always love forever (yes you, my dear husband).
I guess I started looking back at my past relationships and realized I wasn't always the best person in general. I didn't treat a lot of these guys the way they should have been treated. I was selfish & immature in a lot of ways. I don't regret anything, only because its made me who I am today...but I do appreciate the lessons I've learned from all the relationships I've had with them. May those relationships been short or long, it doesn't really matter. I learned something important in each one. Though I didn't realize it at the time, I do realize now how important all those relationships have been in shaping the person I am today.
I have always been "involved" in one way or another ever since I was 16 years old. It was hard for me to be alone and I know that some of the "relationships" I was in was all based on convenience alone. It sucks to realize that this was the kind of person I was. I guess I am reminiscing, not because I'm unhappy with my current relationship (God knows I've never been happier!) but I just feel bad for some of the things I've done to some of these people and for the way I treated the relationship with them in general. I'm not saying I've never had my heart broken, but I did my fair share of hurting people and in a way I am writing this as way of making peace with myself or posting it on a public blog as a kind of subliminal message to those people (some of whom are on Myspace).
I have always been the person to move on fairly easily because I have never really let people get TOO close. I thought it was a matter of strength on my part, but I definitely think it was more of weakness. My sisters and friends were always amazed at how quickly I would regain my self-confidence and continue to live life as if nothing ever happened. In my mind, I knew that we could only control so much of our lives. Control is an illusion. So why would I sit there and cry over something I couldn't control? But the truth was...I couldn't stand to feel my true emotions. I am weak when it comes to emotions and have been slowly learning in the past 3 years that it is OK to FEEL. My husband and my son most of all have taught me so much and I am learning from them each and every day. And because of that, I am learning to truly open up and learning how to make amends with my past.
J - You have taught me the real meaning about unconditional love. That honesty truly is the best policy. That the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is a bunch of crap. I love you for keeping me grounded and for telling me exactly how it is, without bending over backwards to make me happy. I like being treated like a woman, as an adult, as a friend and not just your wife. Not a day goes by that we miss telling each other "I love you" and actually really mean it. You are my sunshine. No words can truly express what you really mean to me...
Mase - You opened up my eyes to the underlying causes of the person I was becoming...an alcoholic, a person you couldn't trust (b/c of what happened with Jonathan), someone who was not available emotionally (being on the cell phone 90f the time we hung out), etc. Though I defended myself to the nth degree for my actions, you taught me to really take a look at what I was doing to myself and made me realize that I needed to change. In a weird way, you also helped me take a look at the people in my life and made me realize who my true friends were. Your honesty helped me.
Jonathan - the person who told Mase about the person that I was (about that night). You taught me that word gets around and I need to be more careful (and thoughtful) about my actions. I have never really been slapped in the face per se before that time and you too, helped me realize what kind of person I was.
Alex - You taught me that age doesnt really matter. Its a matter of the chemistry and the actual relationship between 2 people. We knew what kind of relationship we had and it was all fun & games (or so we thought) until one of us got hurt. You taught me that no matter how many times we tell ourselves we dont care, we really do. That goes for all aspects in life.
Mikey - You taught me the real meaning of friendship. I never believed in friends becoming lovers. I was always one to believe that platonic relationships DO work (and yes, they do!). You are the only friend Ive ever dated. After all the shit that I had done in the past & knowing exactly the person that I was, you were still willing to be with me. Long-distance relationships suck but they do work out, as long as both people want it to work. I tried, I really did. You taught me that you need to put yourself first sometimes, even if it hurts the other person. I was so used to putting other people first.
Brian - You taught me how fun life can bewith or without drugs. LOL! Seriously though, you taught me that laughter truly is the best medicine and that drama can eventually kill your soul. We need more of one and less of the other, thats for damn sure. Youre another one that has taught me the meaning of friendship, to really be there for someone. The art of listening is a skill you have and I have yet to learn.
Tyler - You taught me the true meaning of passionanger, love, motivation, music, poetry, etc. Though you always said you werent the type of person to keep in touch with exes, we managed to keep in touch just fine. So in a way, you learned something yourself!!!
Thomas - You taught me the meaning of a fling w/ strings attached. J I know that seems like a dumb thing to say, but we knew better that our relationship was a dead end. But you did write letters to keep it going and I appreciated that. You taught me that two lost souls can be lost together, but may never find each other.
Bobby B - You taught me the meaning of romance. Never had I ever experienced any of the nice things you did for me. I am sure it wasnt a big deal to you, but it was to me. Wined and dined. Flowers. Poetry. Oooh la la
Rob - You taught me that money really doesnt matter. You made millions and I thought I could overlook all your flawsbut I guess I couldnt! My mom wanted me to stay with you regardless of all the crapand thank God, I was smart enough to listen to my own heart. You helped open up my eyes to the fact that I could care less about money if the man youre with is a shithead. Money can NOT buy you love.
Johnny - You showed me true emotions even if it embarrassed you. You really cared and I treated you like you were nothing. You taught me about how big of a shithead I was. It took me several more years to become less of a shithead, trust me.
Moe - You taught me about deceit and the fact to never ever date your friends ex. I lost a lot of friends because of you and my own selfishness. Friends do care. That whole situation taught me how important friends really are in your life.
Bobby M - my 1st true love. You taught me a lot. You put me high up on a pedestal that it took many, MANY years after to get used to the idea that Im not always going to be #1. Passion, intimacy, sacrifice, trust, friendshipthese were all the positive sides of our almost 5 yr relationship. But you also taught me about possessiveness, bitterness, hatred, negativity, and whatever else we shared that should never exist in a relationship. I have never seen the ugly side of me until you entered my lifenor have I ever seen the most beautiful side of me either. It was all a matter of perspective and thank you for teaching me all about perspectives. You taught me the true meaning of being special and all those memories will never be forgotten.
I can't believe my little boy is now 2 years old. It seems only like yesterday that he was born into this world! Connor has been such a wonderful blessing in our lives. He is such an intelligent, friendly, caring, just amazing little boy. It's funny how we can see how he's developed different aspects of our personalities. I am glad he has more of Daddy's than mine. LOL! He definitely has my temper though...as is it is becoming more prominent now that he is 2.
