A look back at 2011...

This past year has definitely been one of the roughest years I've ever had. To think, 2010 was pretty rough too. I still have a difficult time saying that my Mom passed away. I can write it, I can hear it, I can talk about her. But it's saying out loud "My Mom's gone" has been particularly challenging. Just hearing songs she once loved is challenging. If I can make it through one day with no crying, I consider that a "normal" day.

I am hoping for lots of healing (in many areas of my life) in 2012. I would like to be able to work on myself, to get past THE PAST and just move on to a brighter future. My children and husband have definitely helped me become a much better person than I've ever thought I'd be. But I want to be a "shinier" version of myself. I know I can do better. Be better. To do that, I have to do a lot of self-reflection...and well, that's the toughest part.

My Mom and I had a very volatile relationship. We had very high highs and very low lows. My sisters and brother can attest to that. With her passing, I feel so lost...and guilty. For so MANY things. I know she's in a much better place. I believe in my heart that she's watching over us. I think I know a lot of things...at least in my head, it seems so real, so right. I have never lived with regrets...until now. 2011 has proven to me just how much our past haunts us. How we truly shape our present and our future. How we can single handedly ruin our own day by one mistake...all unknowingly or even purposely. But the impossibility of "going back". If only.

I wish I could go back and tell my Mom just "one more thing". All I want is just that one last phone call. That one last hug. That one last...anything, really.

But I guess I can consider myself lucky...I can talk to her anytime I want now. I can finally be really honest with her and not be afraid of the circumstances that may happen after. If only she can reach out and let me know she's listening...

2011 was not full of sorrow however. Although our family experienced 4 deaths in the past year...I can't help but think about all the happy, wonderful times we shared with them. Just by looking at my children and the joy they exude on a daily basis, I have to at least try to look at the positive. To look at life with more joy than I really feel inside. If not for me...for my children and my husband. They are the reason I make it day to day.

I say GOOD RIDDANCE to 2011. Actually, let me re-phrase that...

FUCK YOU 2011.
(Pardon my "French")

Well...let's just say. I needed to say that. But quite truthfully...HEALING IS A CHOICE. Therefore, I choose to heal by saying F U to all the bad things that happened this past year. Yes, WRITING THIS IS PART OF MY HEALING.

Thank God for renewal, spiritual rejuvenation, good family and friends. I have even met some new friends this year that have become very dear to my heart. I have been very blessed to have really wonderful people in my life to make me WANT to be better, people that encourage me to look forward to tomorrow. 2012 is a NEW YEAR and I am looking forward to a fresh start.

Today was not a normal day.