Friends...

So I think this is why I've been feeling a little down lately. I've been feeling really lonely lately and I can't help but wonder if I really even have any close friends? I mean, I know a lot of people & vice versa. But I just feel like everyone's just doing their own thing and involved in their own lives. While here I am, always feeling like the only one making the effort to get together & keeping in touch with them. How does that work? Isn't that a bit one sided? But then again...

I know I haven't been the greatest friend, esp since I've become a Mom. People call me and it takes me days (maybe even weeks) to call them back. Some send me emails and it takes me just as long, if not longer, to respond. I am pretty much a shitty friend. Text me though and you get a reply real quick! (don't know why that is)

I remember a time back in college when 2 good friends of mine approached me (mind you, they were pretty drunk) and pretty much yelled at me for being late AGAIN. They said that I was super selfish & how inconsiderate I was and how I don't think other people's time is as important as mine. I don't know why that has been in my mind a lot lately. I think because subconsciously, I know this is true. I am selfish and I really need to work on that. How do you undo years of selfishness?

When it comes to my kids and my husband, I don't think I'm selfish at all. But when it comes to everything else (like friendships), then I guess people would consider me pretty selfish. In my defense, however, I lived a life when I put everyone else above me first. I got to a point when I decided NO MORE. I think that was back in 2001 when I decided to transfer to Cal Poly to finish out my degree. I left my family, my friends, all the people I had ever known...to come to a place where I can have a fresh start. That was probably the most difficult decision I have ever made and probably the best one at that.

I guess my point is that I just want to strive to be a better person...a better friend especially. Now that I'm finding old friends on Facebook & Myspace, it's made me realize how sad I am that I let those friendships go, how I didn't try hard enough to keep them. I had a bestfriend from 5th grade on up whom I loved dearly and we've reconnected since HS and it just feels so good having her back in my life. I am longing to find a connection with another girl like I did with her. My bestest friends now are both men (my hubby and my buddy Paul) but it's just not the same. I can't talk my girlie talk without them always trying to find a solution to my problems (typical guys). I have my sisters too and they are freaking awesome but they're not here and I wish so badly that they lived closer. I need someone who can just sit there and listen to me vent without having to criticize or offer any answers. Then make me brownies to cheer me up. LOL. I want someone who I can call up and just be able to go and do whatever and do everything with. I hate having some of my closest friends live so far away. I'm just missing them right now. :(

(my bestfriend of 15 years, Paul)

(my good friend Jennster --- I was 8 mos preggers with Isabella!)

(my attached-at-the-hip drinking buddy Laura)

(my rock star friend Carla)

(my dearest Dawnee)

Friendships just aren't the same...

Thought I should add that I do currently have some great girlfriends. I am just not feeling all that close to them right now. :( I guess that's my cue. I should really work on fixing that!

To all my girls...

My friend Jenn has been waiting for this blog for nearly a year now. LOL! Sorry it's taken me so long and YES, you are part of the list. So therefore, I'll start with you.

Jennster - my typical beach blonde friend (heh heh), it's been 10 years since we've been friends (WHOA)...you were always like a mom to me, only because you tried to make me listen & guide me to take the right paths (even when I kept taking the wrong ones)...you spoke your mind as you wished and that really helped me (even when all I wanted to do was slap you silly)...you are definitely my funnest, silliest, spunkiest friend...i admire all the crap you've put up with over the years and i am soooooooooo glad your dreams are finally coming true...i miss ya like crazy (i'll be seeing you soon though!)

Christine & Charmaine - you both serve a different purpose in my life, you are both so different yet so alike at the same time...i am sooooooo glad we are sisters...there are no words to explain how happy and grateful i am to have you guys in my life...out of such a dysfunctional (yet "picture perfect") family, God blessed me with such beautiful souls...i honestly don't know how sane i would be without you guys...thank you thank you thank you for everything

Jess - though we don't seem as close, you have always served a sound mind even in the midst of craziness in our lives...you have helped pave the way for me to choose what's best for me and my family...we are truly blessed to have each other as sisters, let's not lose that!

Corinne - dearest to my heart...who knew days of drinking and partying would lead to such a beautiful friendship? you are the godmother of my children for a reason...you are a true example of someone that is beautiful inside and out...i thank God for the person that you are...you make me a better friend...you are the best listener and sooo understanding of the person that i am...you are one of the bestest friends a girl could ever have...thank goodness we live minutes away from each other!

Dawn - definitely my most emotional friend, yet you bring some awesome things to the "table" of life...you make me think more...and to express my feelings in ways i never imagined...we've definitely carried some of the longest conversations ever...and the strangest ones indeed! (remember the "rabbit"? LOL!) how i wish we kept in touch more often!

Sarah - the days of partying have come and gone, but you've still kept that "partying" type of fun about you that reminds me to loosen up more often...our college days were so much more memorable because of you...you've always had sound advice even when you weren't listening to them yourself (LOL)...how i admire the fact that you've overcome such issues in your life...can't wait for the BIG day!!!

Ling & Cindy - my hot momma friends...you have made me so much happier now that we've gotten closer in the past year...every time we spend together only makes me realize how important it is to keep friendships even when you're busy being a mom! i love knowing there's always a meal in store for us somewhere anytime we hang out!!! haha! i am so thankful for finding such good friends in the midst of all the sea of moms...you guys helped me realize what was truly important in life...thank you for that...

ps
i wanted to add (though you are basically nonexistent now in my life)

Laura - my college buddy...we were inseperable...you made college life so much more memorable and bearable...the days of working out together, drinking, partying, studying, eating out, etc are all days i will always remember...i know we both now lead separate paths and i am so sad that it's gotten in the way of our friendship (you know, i'm one of the ones that got barefoot and pregnant)...i am even sadder seeing some of the type of reverse prejudicial statements you have made...i have always loved ya and will always miss you...and girl, gotta admit, you've become quite a bombshell...you go girl

Carla - if you're out there and alive, please contact me...there are so many things i want to say to you...we were friends for soooooo long...talk about inseperable! the downward spiral of the "sex, drugs, and rock & roll" lifestyle led to the inevitable end of our friendship...i am sorry that i couldn't do more...i thank God I chose LIFE---have you?...soooooooo many memories...but definitely no regrets

Visiting Jennster...

On Saturday, we went over to Novato and visited Jennster and her boyfriend. Loree was there visiting from Simi so it awesome to see her too! We went out to dinner and just played cards, watched a movie and hung out for the rest of the night. It's been awhile since I've hung out with both girls...brings back a lot of memories.

It was great seeing my Jennster so happy with Chris. It's crazy that the last time I saw Chris was the 1st time I met him...Jenn's 30th bday party. And even then, I KNEW they were meant to be together. To think, they're getting married next year! I LOVE IT!

As for Loree dearest...she still looks great! I have my own personal opinions about the guy she's dating (since ummm, yeah she's dating Chris' best friend). So I'll keep my mouth shut...

J and I had so much fun visiting. I was sad to leave, knowing I won't be seeing them for a long time. I just wish we all lived closer. I mean, we're lucky enough that we can drive a few hrs to see each other but still, it sucks.

J & I went to San Francisco for our last rendezvous before the baby comes. We stayed at the same hotel we stayed at the last time we were here (when we 1st dated). It was SUITE...as in yes, we stayed in a suite! They upgraded us for free. We have no idea why, but whatever, we were stoked! We got into SF pretty late after leaving Paul & Marisa's wedding reception. After checking in, we walked around looking for a place to eat. We ended up at a place called "Hana Zen". It was a pretty good sushi place. The prices were very comparable to the Central Coast and it was a pretty cool setting. We were pretty tired so we went to bed early since we had a long day ahead of us!

Shopping on Saturday & walking around downtown was so much fun! I found my new favorite store "H&M". The prices are freaking incredibly cheap and the styles were so me...except there weren't that many clothes I could fit in with this big fat belly. So I have to go back when I'm back to my sexy self! We met up with my Tita and Tito and had lunch with them at Wolfgang Puck's. It was cool seeing them again. It's been awhile.

So yeah, if you're wondering who that guy is in the pic...it's my boyfriend. Sssshhhh...j/k. He's some Abercrombie Fitch model standing in front of the store and J made me take a photo with him. LOL! I don't even think he's that hot...well his body is, not so much the face. ha!

Leaving San Francisco makes me sad. There's just so many things to do, places to see, and so much shopping to be done! J & I were talking about how cool it would be to live there if it is was just him and me. It's not really a place you could raise a family in, but damn, if we were back in our partying days...it'd be fun to live there for a year or something!